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Monday, December 31, 2012

From Christmas Crack to New Year's Wack

We all have our own Christmas Crack. We look forward to that certain fix for weeks leading up to the holidays. For some of us, it might be something we indulge in only a couple times a year, for others, it might be that special something we only get our hands on at Christmas time. Regardless, of how often we partake, the holidays are the perfect, reason or excuse for us to yield to our wantings.

For a couple of weeks during the year, people all over the world, enjoy their own kind of forbidden fruit. Pushing guilt aside, and actually enjoying, whatever it may be, that we have trained ourselves to stay away from, most of the rest of the year.

Carbs, sugar, alcohol, a combination of all three, these are the most popular drugs of choice during this festive time of year. We try so hard to limit our intake for most of the year, but, come November, we are all jonesing for that high that only our own special brand of Christmas Crack will alleviate.

Cinnabons. My own personal Christmas Crack... and Easter Crack...
maybe even Birthday Crack.

Then, WACK! The new year hits us like a ton of bricks and we feel like we need to get back on track and abstain from our preferred poisons. Sometimes easier said than done. Some of us might need to come down gradually, to avoid withdrawal symptoms. Some of us go hard core, using diets and exercise like methadone therapy. No matter what your crack of choice is, and no matter how you choose to rehab, I think we can all agree, that it was good while it lasted!

Here's to hoping your withdrawal symptoms are few, and your cravings are weak!

Have a happy and healthy new year!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Christmas Break With Boys Is Like Living In A Locker Room...

My sons do not read my blog, I don't think so anyway, so I am going to out some of their behavior without fear of retaliation.

The dynamics in a house without any other girls is interesting. I know that my friends with all boys, three or four, can relate. When I had three boys, I thought " I got this, this is perfect" then #4 was on the horizon (biggest surprise of my life) and for three months, I new it would be a girl. Secret: I cried at my ultrasound when the tech told me it was a boy. Then, I cried more because I felt guilty for being disappointed. I got over it quick and focused on the thought of four boys. "What's one more?" people would say. People, without four sons said that, just to be clear. That one more? He is my baby, my youngest, and he is so much more, than just one more. A year after my baby was born, we welcomed #5 into our home, at the age of 2. Through a lengthy and stressful journey, of which I will not share here, the gift of adoption blessed us with our fifth son. Again, " What's one more?" was the theme of the responses of friends and family. Well, let me share with you what one more is like, times five!

Most, of the time I feel like I am living inside of a locker room. The boys know I am here, but they do not care to curb their behavior just beacause I am in the room with them. The other times, I feel like I am a women sports reporter trying to talk to one of the players. I am trying to talk to one son, while the other four are running around like maniacs, shirtless, dirty, and completely ignoring me. Before I know it, the son I am talking to, gets sucked into the horseplay. Conversation over.

I think if they had just one sister, things would be a little different. Im not saying they would be angels but, maybe another girl in the house would curb their behavior... just a little. For instance, I would prohibit the following behavior in their sisters presence...

No ball scratching

No spitting in the house

No taking a leak

No farting

No cussing

No extreme belching

No hitting your brothers in the balls on purpose

No humping of anything, or anyone, not even the air

Oh, and no sticking your hands down your pants to readjust your junk

These are just a few of the things I witness on a daily basis. Yes, they do all of this in front of me with no shame whatsoever. Yes, I have tried to get them to stop. I really think my sons have an extra ordinary amount of testosterone. Sometimes nature wins, and in this case, it is kicking my ass! Where did they learn this behavior? One guess. My husband is right there with them, laughing uncontrollably, when I am on the verge of losing it. They all wait until I actually lose it, then they are oh, so, sorry. Too late. Fix your own damn dinners!

"Mack, please stop scratching your balls when we are having a conversation."

"Rhino! Quit hitting you brother in the balls, even if he thinks its funny."

"Jack, watch your mouth! I don't care if you just hit your head on the chandelier!"

" Kevin, I really don't want to hear you burp the alphabet."

"Patrick, you're not Magic Mike, stop the air - hump performance."

As a mother, I have to reprimand my boys for their crude behavior, but as a woman, I despise having to remind them how they should act in front of one.

When this will end, I have no idea. I hope to God, that in the future, all my nagging will take effect and they will realize that they will be much more of a ladies man if they refrain from touching themselves etc... At least in front of girls.

Here's to hoping!

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Reality Rehab

Sometimes I am not sure if I need rehab or if Reality Tv is my rehab.

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Let me be clear, the reality tv that I watch and enjoy includes those shows that center around women near my age and lifestyle. By lifestyle, I don't mean the dripping with diamonds, rolling around in Bentleys, shopping at Chanel kind of lifestyle. I mean the kind of lifestyle that includes, little kids, teen drivers, husbands that work to much, dogs, family problems, friend problems, the need to have everything perfect kind of lifestyle. I think most women can relate to some of these issues.

Let's break it down, shall we?

Pros of Watching Reality Tv

These are the things I love to witness while watching reality tv. These examples are why I enjoy these programs. They are extravagant, entertaining, and they do help me forget about the stresses of every day life. The fight I had with my son, the bill I forgot to pay, the housework I didn't get done...it all disappears when I sit down and turn on one of these frivolous sources of entertainment.

This is why, on some days, REALITY TV IS MY REHAB.

10. The Food. Completely extravagant.
9. Black American Express Card Shopping. Must be nice.
8. Fashion. I would, if I could.

7. The Vacations. In my wildest dreams.
6. Extravagant Parties. Chefs & waiters? Yes please!
5. Drunk Socialites. Love to see them three sheets to the wind.

4. Gossip, Drama and Backstabbing? Just like high school.
3. Family Dynamics. Same issues wrapped in more money.
2. Makes Me FeelBetter About Myself. Being rich doesn't fix everything.

Cons of Watching Reality Tv
Every sword has two edges. This is the edge that cuts me. This is the downside of indulging in these ridiculous shows. By the way, my husband hates most of these shows. I always feel like less of a human being when he comments on these shows. This is when I feel guilty for watching them, which is why I am happy to DVR them and watch in private. These might be the reasons that I need rehab for reality tv.

10. Makes Me Want To Shop. Furs, jewels and shoes, oh my!
9. Housework & Dinner Suffer. I sometimes lose track of time while watching my shows.
8. Guilt. Ordering take out instead of making dinner? It happens.

7. Girl Time. They have so much of it. Makes me want to have more.
6. Dieting. Seeing their skinny asses drives me to do it.
5. Jewelry Envy. I have the desire for all that sparkles, but not the budget.
4. Sushi. I must have it!

3. Dreamy Vacations. Oh, how I wish...
2. Ability to give their kids whatever their heart's desire. Not that I would, but the ability to do so...
1. Lisa Vanderpump. I will never be as beautiful as her, at any age.
So, as you can see, I am quite torn over the guilt and pleasure I feel watching this trash. I love to see how the other half lives. Yes sometimes I wish I were that rich, that skinny, that beautiful, who doesn't wish for that from time to time? Does that mean I need to be rehabilitated from watching reality tv? Maybe a little, just in regards to the fact that I really don't like to miss one, single, episode.

Since I am not able to jet off to exotic locations whenever I want, nor am I able to dine on Kobe beef and sushi every day, or pick up a little bauble without looking at a price tag, being able to watch other people do so, brings me much joy. Honestly, it does. It is like a little mini vacation on a daily basis. What is wrong with that? There is also the bonus of watching the melt downs, mistakes and misbehaviors of these women that seem to have everything. They may have diamonds, furs, and loads of cash, but they, just like me have problems just the same. Now, this may seem rude and insensitive, but the fact, that they do indeed have problems makes, me feel good too. Money is not a barrier against pain. Rich, poor or somewhere in between, we all experience it. I prefer to look at reality tv as my rehab. It enforces the fact that we really all are basically the same. Lots of money, or very little money, it doesn't matter, I am happy and blessed just the same!

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Monday, December 17, 2012

Appetite For Amish Bad Boys

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They throw parties. They drop the "F" bomb. They gamble. They have criminal records.They drive expensive cars. They blackmail. They burn stuff up. They threaten those that need to be threatened, and some even carry guns. They are Amish, well sort of. I am talking about the new hit "reality" tv show, Amish Mafia. I am in love with this show and the characters. They do all the wrong things for all the right reasons, or so they make it seem.
left to right - John, Alvin, Levi & Jolin
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The Amish Mafia is said to be the protectors of the Amish community in Lancaster PA. Although the Amish people are in fact held to the same laws and punishments as the "English" they prefer to handle things on their own, not involving outsiders or the police. How do they go about doing this? Well, the Discovery channel's new series Amish Mafia, which airs Wednesdays at 8pm, illustrates just that.

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All mafias have a pecking order right? Well, right at the top of my beloved Amish Mafia, the equivalent to a "Don" is: Lebanon Levi. He is, to most peoples eyes, unassuming. He is not big, nor is he scary, but by all accounts you do not want to mess with Levi. He is the man with the power and the money. Levi acts as the police, the judge, and the jury, for a price. He quietly asserts his influence and control with the help of his team of Amish-ish soldiers. People go to Levi for help, for many different reasons. He has an office in a barn, where much like his "Don like" predecessors, he holds "court"; and to get to him, you must go through Alvin, Levi's right hand man. Alvin and Levi have been lifelong friends and Alvin will protect Levi at any cost, resulting in Levi's complete trust.

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The youngest member of the team is John. His father was the late, former protector, who held the peace for many years before Levi's father took over due to John's father's, early death. This position in the community is handed down through the family, but in this instance John was to young to take control when his father died so, Lebanon Levi's father stepped in. The position was then passed on to Levi. John struggles with the lack of power he has, knowing that if things had happened differently, he, would be the one with the power. It is after all his birthright.

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On his way to an MMA fight , in a barn
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Lastly, there is Jolin. My personal favorite. He is the baddest of the boys. Jolin is Mennonite, not Amish, and because of this, he can get away with a lot more. He is the one carrying the guns and making threats. He is the true foot soldier and enforcer. They really play him up. They show him sitting in his small living room, right next to cross stitched framed prayers and other Godly decor, loading his weapons. We get a glimpse of his shirtless, tattooed back and chest while he washes a car in the sunshine. They do him proud. I am not sure that there has been another Amish/Mennonite man that has been portrayed as a bad boy sex symbol. I bet even the English girls are swooning over Jolin.

If you are looking for some "reality" entertainment with do-gooders and bad boys all rolled into one, this might be just the show for you. It's so wrong that its right, and that is just what I love about this Amish Mafia!

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